Why does my partner always put me down?

If that box is not yours, keep going. What follows assumes you are worn down, not in danger.

The comments are small, and they never stop. Each one is easy to laugh off. Together they make a running review of who you are.

Then look at what you do with them. You explain them away. They were tired. It was a joke. You are too sensitive. You stay, you absorb it, and you work harder to be someone who would not get the comment.

It is not a fair report on you. A comment repeated often starts to sound like a fact. It is not one. It is a habit of speech in somebody else.

It is not that you are too sensitive. Feeling a put-down is not a flaw. It is your body reading the room correctly.

And it is not yours to fix. You did not cause the way your partner talks, and no change in you has switched it off. Whatever runs in them runs in a body you are not in.

Stop laughing along. You do not have to fight. Just let the joke land on nothing, and say one plain sentence: "That was unkind." Then stop.

Keep a record for a month. What was said, when, and in front of whom. Read the record, not the excuse. A pattern you can date is harder to explain away.

Check what has moved inside. Whether you now say their lines to yourself before they can. Whether you have stopped wearing, saying or wanting things that might get a comment. Whether friends see less of you.

This page cannot say what is inside your partner, and it will not guess. It can say what the put-downs are not: a fair report on you. They come whatever you do, which means they are not about what you do. Stop laughing them off. Keep a dated record for a month, and read the record instead of the excuse.

Belittling is a put-down that makes you smaller on purpose or by habit. This page cannot say which, or why. It can say that years of it change how you see yourself. Check the record, not the feeling. Write what was said, and when. Then say one plain sentence the next time: "That was unkind." You do not need him to agree.

Feeling bad around him is real information. It is your body reading the room. This page will not call him anything. It will ask you to notice when the feeling starts. Is it a comment, a tone, a silence? Write it down for two weeks. A feeling you can date becomes a pattern you can see.

Worthless is a word you were handed, not a fact you found. Said often enough, it moves inside and starts to speak in your own voice. It is still not a record. If that feeling has become thoughts of hurting yourself, read the box at the top and call today. If not, write down three things you did well this week, with dates.

Put-downs can come from anyone in a couple, and they cost the same. The joke about your job. The sigh when you talk. The correction in front of friends. This page cannot say why she does it. You can stop laughing along, say one plain sentence, and keep a dated record. Then read it on a calm day.

Rudeness aimed at you and not at others is hard to explain away. This page cannot say why he does it, and it will not guess. Notice whether you make excuses for him. Notice whether the rudeness grows when you are with friends. Say "That was unkind," once, and stop. If you are afraid of his mood, read the box at the top.

Some people read this page and recognize the staying. The excuses made for someone else. The good day that makes up for a month. Knowing it costs too much and staying anyway.

There is a file for that: The Draining Bond, the pattern where you stay in a bond that empties you, and the reasons to stay always win. It is written about your own body, not your partner's. It is the one file here you can open.